Last night's improv Blue Show, in Shopping Spree, trying to get Seth to guess "Fabergé egg":

ME (playing a redneck): Mah client wants the most deeeelectible omelet this side o'... well... this side o' the Russian River!
SETH: Ah, that would be the Volga.
ME: That's right. The Vulva!

( Read more... )

I REALLY need to stop thinking in the shower early in the morning. I came up with this joke while washing my hair ( Read more... )

INITIATING CHAT WITH USER "BRIAN"...
DAN: I loves me my Snowbot.

BRIAN: Um... that's good?

DAN: Didn't you get me that for my birthday?

No.

Crap.

Wait.

You gave me the Family Guy DVD. Annie got me the Snowbot. Damnit.

BRIAN: Yes.

DAN: I loves me my Family Guy DVD.

BRIAN: Sometimes it's like you're an alien sent to observe human culture and reading from a ( Read more... )

These are the sorts of things that play out in my head when I'm tired and in the shower:

TOM is pouring a bottle of Ex-Lax into a mug of coffee.

TOM: This'll teach that two bit punk not to show me up at hopscotch!
BILL: Are you sure that's a good idea?
TOM: If I've learned one thing from TV and movies, it's that clandestinely slipping someone a ( Read more... )

You know on day-by-day calendars, you've got that strip of glue at the top that constitutes the binding? It's fun to rip off as you advance through the months, although I'm always a bit dissatisfied when I do a little bit at a time. Last year I resolved that my 2007 Far Side "Off the Wall" calendar would be the first one where I would go the whole ( Read more... )

What the fuck is wrong with Taiwanese people ( Read more... )

Homer. Virgil. Shakespeare. Mozart.

Every few hundred years, humanity is touched - blessed - by artists whose creative endeavors enrich the lives of all mankind through the originality, insight, genius and beauty of their wondrous work.

Our time is now.

Sushi Pack. Weekends on CBS. According to Wikipedia:

It features a team of wasabi, salmon egg sushi ( Read more... )

So last night I grilled up some steaks, but I was down to my last bit of charcoal. I had to basically pour the bin in, and all that was left were these itty-bitty pieces that had fallen to the bottom and LOTS of charcoal dust, which of course I had no choice but to breathe in while working ( Read more... )

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/10/26/wilson.freed/index.html

Am I the only one who can't stop giggling on the inside because, in this case revolving oral sex, there is a lawyer named "B.J. Bernstein" who is working to gain "quick release"?